DRUNK

Why do you walk with a wobble? Why are your emotions always running high? Why is your vision doubled? Because what flows through your veins isn't blood — it's Jack Daniel's! It's Fireball! It's a warm PBR! It's that mystery bottle from your uncle's garage! Oh, glorious alcohol — every drop burns, every drop sizzles. Have you already developed the habit of pouring spirits into your water bottle and chugging it like H2O? What magnificent booze! It turns you into a raconteur at dinner, then a philosopher hugging the toilet bowl at 2 AM. It makes you feel like a nightclub poet, the undying flame at the center of the universe — until 10 AM the next morning, when your head feels like a cracked walnut, your lips are crusted with last night's sins, and your soul is curled up in a corner. You finally understand: that loud, table-slapping orator from last night has officially become a drunkard.